Adventures of the Big 12: Twelve Angry Men

by Panjandrum on Jun 7, 2010 10:12 PM CDT in Adventures of the Big 12 Series





Behind closed doors at the Big 12's annual meetings, the boys got together to hash out the topics of the day. You know...important things like where we're going to hold the Women's Basketball tournament for the next three years.

Just kidding. Only Baylor cares about that.

Anyway, everyone knows that's not what was on everyone's mind. And, thankfully, through the power of 'multiple sources', we have a strong report of what happened when the gang got together in Kansas City this week.

Enjoy. It may be the last time this current group gets together for their usual shenanigans.



Texas: I call this meeting to order. Today's agenda topic: Who stays and who goes. I'm looking for a quick vote. Obviously, I like bossing all of you around, so I'm in. Oklahoma?

Oklahoma: Hell, I'll stay. Do you really think I want to join the SEC or Pac-10? I still go into shell shock when a woman asks me if I have a Trojan on me, or if I walk past a store in the mall that sells 'Crocs'.

Oklahoma State: In, yo. I'm afraid if I take this game to LA, I may get shot.

Colorado: Staying. Unless the Pac-10 offers, and then I'll leave so fast there will be burn marks in the carpet. But they don't want me without you guys, so I'm probably still stuck with you assholes.

Missouri: Anyone know where the nearest U-Haul place is?

Texas: Jesus, can you be more obvious?

Missouri: What? Do you think I like being irrelevant? Do you think I like hoarding championships in fucking Softball? And it's not even the cool softball where you drink and wear inappropriate t-shirts that say things like "Balls Going Deep". It's the lesbian kind of softball where half of the cars in the parking lot are pink Cadillacs, and the chicks that show up wear visors and Birkenstocks.

Kansas State: I'm not really into PC, but there's a lot wrong with what you just said...

Missouri: You know what? I don't care. I'm going to go the Big Ten, wipe my ass with piles of TV money, and spend my winters buried in lake effects snow.

Texas: Wiping your ass with money is awesome.

Missouri: So, yeah, I'm out. Fuck you, fuck you, (points at Kansas) and double fuck you.

Kansas: Well, that wasn't nice.

Texas: Alright, order...ORDER! Kansas State, what are you doing?

Kansas State: Are you kidding me? Do you think I want to join the Mountain West? In. A thousand times in.

Kansas: (Whispers to his attorney...) My lawyer says that it would be in my best interest to stay.

Kansas State: Your lawyer?

Kansas: At this point, I have the FBI and IRS so far up my ass that they've set up a branch office in my colon. So, I'm taking him wherever I go.

Kansas' Lawyer: No more questions.

Texas: What an embarrassment. Tech?

Texas Tech: In. I go where you go my liege.

Baylor: God spoke with me last night, and he said that I should form a conference with other like religious institutions supported by the Almighty himself. However, he said I had to fire Scott Drew because he's an Eddie Haskell-style prick of the highest order, and I said, "No." I like being good at basketball now. Also, those Oral Roberts kids creep me out. They're like a cult.

Iowa State: I will do anything to stay in this conference. Anything. I am not above handing out sexual favors, and I don't care who asks for it.

Texas: So if I ask you to have sex with a dirty hobo, you'll do it?

Iowa State: Absolutely. You can even tape it if you'd like. That would be a hundred times better than joining the MAC.

Texas: Alright, we'll put that on the agenda for tonight after dinner and drinks at Tomfooleries. Nebraska, what say you?

Nebraska: I am 100% committed to exploring all of my options.

Texas: Huh?

Nebraska: I am fully invested in this conference unless something better comes along.

Oklahoma: How does sitting on that fence feel?

Nebraska: It kind of chafes.

Texas: And, finally, I'm afraid to ask. A&M?

Texas A&M: I want to join the sex conference.

(Texas puts his face in his palms...)

Texas: Do you mean the SEC conference?

Texas A&M: Yeah, I want to join the sex conference.

Oklahoma: I think we should let him go.

Texas: We can't. The state legislature says he can't go anywhere without me.

(Texas A&M puts his mouth over the microphone in front of him on the table and tries to swallow it...)

Texas: Alright, so we've got ten stays, one go, and one guy who can't seem to figure out what he wants to do. Nebraska, what can we do to get you off of the fence?

Nebraska: Nothing really. Joining the Big Ten is appealing. I mean, it's like a time warp. Neither of us have really been relevant since the late 90's, so it will be kind of comforting to be amongst like-minded people. Michigan called me and invited me over for a 90210 and Melrose Place marathon.

Oklahoma: That's really sad.

Nebraska: Look, I want to be with other people who think time stopped after the late 90's. Do you know how much being me sucks right now? I haven't won a conference championship in ELEVEN years. Hell, even Kansas State over there has won a conference title since I have.

Kansas State: Kicked your ass too.

Nebraska: Fuck off. And my basketball program is an embarrassment. In the Big Ten, Sadler ball will be considered 'up tempo', and my waning baseball program will be one of the southern most schools, so I'll have a leg up there.

Texas: Everything you just said there makes me sad.

Nebraska: You're sad? The only reason I'm not sad is because my entire state has been on Prozac since Tom Osborne retired. Do you really think we like Pelini? The guy wears sweatshirts on the sideline. SWEATSHIRTS. The guys in the navy blue polo shirts at Wal-Mart that greet me when I walk in look and act more professional than he does.

Oklahoma: Have you considered therapy?

Iowa State: I know a guy...

Dan Beebe: Hey, guys, what's up?

Texas: Dan, go back to your computer, keep playing Minesweeper, and we'll call you when we're done.

Beebe: Sure thing, boss.

Texas Tech: That was kind of harsh, don't you think?

Texas: He should be thankful he still has a job. We used a cardboard cutout of him a few weeks ago at a function with a tape player attached to its back looping random, non-committal statements, and no one knew it wasn't him until Baylor tried to hand him a plate of barbecued chicken and it dropped to the floor.

Texas A&M: I ate that chicken.

Oklahoma: Of course you did.

Texas A&M: It tasked like chicken.

Kansas State: I just...nevermind.

Iowa State: You guys will take him with you and not me?

Texas: He brings more televisions than you do.

Iowa State: But he's retarded!

Texas: He's not retarded; he's just misunderstood. He hasn't always been this way.

Iowa State: He's pissing himself again. Am I misunderstanding that?

(Texas A&M smiles as the warm urine runs down his leg...)

Texas: (Looks at A&M...) Look, I can't defend you forever. At some point, you're going to need to snap out of this.

Texas Tech: I've always wondered what goes on inside his head.

(Texas A&M stares at the wall...)



(Dan Beebe lets out a shriek at his computer...)

Texas: Dan, don't worry. We all hit the mine from time to time.

Beebe: No, that's not it. The Pac-10 is going to offer six of you.

Kansas: Thank God! Screw you assholes!

Beebe: They don't want you.

Missouri: HA HA.

Kansas State: Suck it.

Beebe: They don't want you either.

Kansas State: Well, duh.

Texas Tech: Who do they want?

Beebe: Texas, A&M, Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Colorado.

Colorado: Oh happy daaaaaaayyyyyy!

Texas Tech: Thank you sire!

Oklahoma: I'm going to get sick...yep, here it comes.

(Oklahoma vomits...)

Oklahoma State: Shit. I'm gonna get shot.

Texas: Calm down, guys. We all want to stick around, right? Well, let's not jump the gun here. If we're all in this together, we'll stay. Nebraska, you in?

Nebraska: I'm firmly set on exploring all of my options.

Texas: Goddamnit. Make up your damn mind. Missouri?

Missouri: Kiss my ass.

Texas: Do either of you even have an offer from the Big Ten?

Missouri: It's just a technicality. I'll get one. Eventually.

Oklahoma: You sure you want to take that bet?

Missouri: I'd rather shoot for the moon than hang out with you assholes.

Texas: Alright, fuck it. Enjoy Conference USA.

Colorado: Wait, we're not going to the Pac-10?

Texas: Not if we don't have to.

Colorado: Jesus Christ. I finally, through sheer dumb luck, get a shot at getting what I want, and you assholes start cock-blocking me. Screw all of you, I'm out of here.

Beebe: Wait, the Pac-10 said that they may take Baylor instead of you.

Colorado: SON OF A BITCH!!!

Texas: Alright, Colorado's back in. Nebraska, Missouri...it's on you now. You have until Friday to figure this out.

Nebraska: I will stay if you can promise me that the Big 12 Championship will be played in Kansas City at least every other year.

Texas: Let's not get unreasonable now.

Nebraska: Unreasonable? UNREASONABLE??? You take all of the money, get all of the good TV spots, and now you're getting the title game in the Jerrydome every year. And I'm being unreasonable?

Kansas State: You did kind of vote for the unequal revenue sharing when you were, you know, good at football. Ten years ago.

Oklahoma: Actually, it's been eleven years since they won the Big 12.

Kansas State: I stand corrected. You were good at football eleven years ago.

Nebraska: And you assholes wonder why I want to leave.

Texas: Calm down everyone. Tempers are starting to get in the way of reason. Let's just handle this calmly. Nebraska and Missouri, you have until next Friday to decide if you want to stay with us. If you don't, half of us will go to the Pac-10.

Colorado: It's like a nightmare, but I'm still awake...

Kansas: I literally did not see this coming.

Kansas State: So where do the rest of us go?

Texas: Well, I can put in a good word for you with the Mountain West or Big East.

Iowa State: What about me?

Texas: Have you ever considered trade school?

Kansas: You mean to tell me that my storied basketball program is going to slum in the Mountain West?

Oklahoma: Sorry, dude, but this is about football. And, to be honest, no one is going to party with a dude that's under Federal investigation.

Kansas: Point taken. It's Kansas State's fault.

Kansas State: What the?

Texas: Kansas, you really are an asshole. Everyone said you were, but I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. But, yeah, you really do suck.

Kansas State: THANK YOU!!!

Missouri: Ha ha!

Beebe: If anyone needs me, I'm going to head to the shitter.

Texas A&M: Me too. I'm going to the shitter for some head.

(Everyone stares blankly at A&M...)

Texas: I think we're done here. Everyone, we've got a week to figure this out. Go to your corners, make your calls, and we'll hash this out later. Nebraska and Missouri, the ball is in your court.

MIZZOU and NEBRASKA tired of being stepchildren

 So Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe thinks he can bully the Universities of Missouri and Nebraska, into re-committing to the Big XII conference by his Friday the 11th deadline or else. If I am Mizzou or Nebraska, I respond very loudly” OR ELSE WHAT?”


Do you really think that Beebe, who is really nothing more than a mouthpiece for University of Texas athletic Director DeLoss Dodds, will kick the top 2 football schools from the north division out of the conference? The north has struggled enough to keep up with the south division if football, and losing Mizzou and Nebraska would make the division a total farce. This would drain the small pond that the big fish UT just loves to swim in.

This deadline which is actually coming directly from Austin is nothing more than a smokescreen to keep UT and its sister schools (A&M, Texas Tech, Baylor, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State,) from having to follow through on their bluff to bolt for the Pac 10. UT does not want to have to compete for big fish status with USC. They don’t want to compete with Hollywood for the glitz. UT has things just the way they want them in the Big 12, they get the lion’s share of the conferences television revenue, such as it is, and have assurances from Boobo uh I mean , Beebe that they will be able to form their own Longhorn television network, which will guarantee them financial dominance over the small 11.

The problem is some of the small 11 may have options; Mizzou and Nebraska have been rumored to be on the Big 10 conference wish list for expansion. Missouri and Nebraska would be two of the three Big XII schools which would be a fit for the Big Ten academically, Texas would be the other. At this point the Big Ten has not made an offer to either school, or announced for sure that they are expanding. Financially it makes a lot of sense for both schools to make the move if offered, since the Big Ten has a much more lucrative television than the Big XII, and always will thanks to UT’s insistence on having their own deal, and the Big Ten splits television revenue equally, every member of the BIG Ten receives more television money than every Big XII school including UT. There is also the issue of bowl game assignments, like all conferences the Big Ten has contracts to provide their proper placed teams to specific bowl games based on those contracts. For the past three seasons, Mizzou has watched as lower finishing teams are awarded higher bowl games. Including 2007 when Kansas was awarded a coveted BCS Orange Bowl bid, despite being beaten soundly by Mizzou on the final week of the regular season. This has not gone unnoticed in Columbia. And do you really think the folks in Lincoln are going to forget how Big XII officials put 1 second back on the clock, to allow Texas to kick the winning field goal in this year’s Big XII championship game. It is also ridiculous that the Big XII title game has been awarded to the state of Texas in perpetuity.



Who can blame Mizzou and Nebraska for flirting with the Big Ten; it is obvious that The Big XII takes care of UT first and foremost. These Universities are only watching out for themselves. And by the way, why is there no deadline for the Big XII south schools, allegedly receiving invitations from the Pac 10? There are two reasons, 1. This is a BLUFF; they don’t really want to travel to California 2. One of the schools is UT, and Beebe is and always will be in bed with DeLoss Dodds. All Beebe is trying to do is insure that UT is still the king in a legitimate conference, and as much as he will never admit it, he needs Mizzou and Nebraska more than they need the Big XII. Mizzou and Nebraska should look Beebe and Dodds in the eye on Friday and state “We will remain in the Big XII conference until it is no longer in our best interest to do so” and then walk away. Call their bluff. If Beebe wants assurances then the Big XII should assure:

1. All television revenues will be split evenly

2. Stick to the standings for bowl assignments

3. Rotate the conference championship game between both divisions

4. DEVELOP a plan to increase television revenues for ALL schools

5. Name a commissioner that is not in the pocket of a member school

Until that happens” we are members of the Big XII until WE decide otherwise”. I am embarrassed, as alumni of UT, by this bullying tactic. It is obvious and beneath them. Mizzou and Nebraska should continue to keep their options open.